Friday, April 29, 2011
Why you ask? Why should I voluntarily pick up a game that is populated by undersexed, socially inept, greasy freaks? There are literally millions of reasons why this is the perfect game for you, woman. I won’t waste the precious bandwidth of this website by going through them all, but I will highlight some of the more important reasons. If you still need further convincing, let me know in the comments.
5. Hella buff, shirtless male characters.
If I learned anything from my years in the paperback romance industry, it’s that the only things chicks dig more than a barrel chested hairless man with no shirt is a barrel chested hairless man with no shirt wielding a sword! And thankfully MtG is overflowing with the latter. I mean, take a look at Veteran Bodyguard, or Maraxus of Keld. How could you not want to TAP that?
4. The chance to beat men at something.
Nerdy, wimpy geeky men, but men nonetheless. Face it, you women types are always looking for ways to best us men and what better way is there to do that than on the field of battle? Even if said field is a poorly ventilated basement filled with sweaty nerds and the implements of said battle are pieces of card stock.
Magic is a game that has been around since 1994 and many of the cards are legit collector’s items. Like, thousands of dollars in value on the secondary market. For a card with a flower on it. On top of that, there is a PRO TOUR CIRCUIT where the top players win tens of thousands of dollars! So the next time you look at your paycheck and cry because you’ll never be able to afford that Balenciaga, grab your perfectly tuned deck and get your ass to the card store!
I’m sure this site will cover this in the future, but for some inexplicable reason, chicks dig vampires. Well MtG has had vampire cards since 1995! They also figure very prominently in the current storyline. Check out Sorin Markov, he is way hotter than that pale virgin twink from Twilight.
1. Community Service
Have you noticed how many times I’ve mentioned how lame and undersexed Magic players are? No? Well, we are very lame and we do not get laid! (Except for me, I’m rich.) Do you know what ugly undersexed, unsocialized males do? We go on killing sprees! We start shitty blogs! We blow shit up! By simply playing this game you will force us to interact with chicks in a way that we otherwise never will! If you have sex with us, even better! Please, for the future well being of society, start buying booster packs!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
"Olivia Munn is an actress and also the host of the popular G4 program Attack of the Show! Known for her quick wit, impeccable timing and self-effacing approach to comedy. . .Her candor and loyalty to her fans established a following so fierce she's been anointed 'Geek Goddess,' 'Queen of Comic-Con,' and 'Leader of the Nerds.'"
That's what the jacket of her book says about her, and it's actually almost true. She did indeed host G4's non-stop product-placement circle jerk known as Attack of the Show. She made it to number 8 on Maxim's "Hot 100" list last year, and even did a (non-nude) spread in Playboy. She's pretty single-mindedly devoted her career to winning the adoration of socially inept, sexually frustrated men across the globe with great success. And she's done so by convincing them, against all reason, that not only is she a pouty, half-asian woman with the body of a supermodel (the holy grail of all nerdy white men), but that she's actually one of them, and that she likes all of the same weird shit that they do.
But the fact of the matter is that, aside from an apparent love of cosplay, and an aversion to sports, her nerd cred is weak at best. Most of her supposed "geek" affectations are laughably mainstream at this point. She seems to have an affinity for comics and superheroes (who doesn't). She ostensibly knows how to take apart and rebuild a computer (which would be an accomplishment if it were 1991). And according to her book (which, full disclosure, I've only really skimmed), her first boyfriend was a quiet guy that played a lot of Gameboy. All this proves to me is that she found her audience at a young age and figured out how to pander to them very effectively.
I mean, let's just compare her to her closest equivalent in the nerd-baiting hot girl racket: Adrianne Curry. Both appeared on the cover of Playboy. Both are largely notorious for dressing in slutty nerd-themed costumes and are prime attractions at Comic Con. But, whereas one of these girls is a C-grade actress that used her popularity with the nation's fanboys to get serious, mainstream work, the other used her success with mainstream to work on all the nerdy stuff she always wanted to do (which pretty much amounts to traveling the country with the 501st legion and playing WoW).
So while I have no problem with Olivia Munn dressing up in whatever fangirl costume she wants, I refuse to entertain the notion that she has any legitimate connection to the legions of kids holed up in their basements, masturbating to pictures her on the net. It's fucking patronizing and insulting to those of us that have devoted our lives to the kind of lame, arcane trivia that she only barely understands.
Furthermore - and I cannot stress this enough - Olivia Munn is NOT FUNNY. I'm willing to accept that she's a decent enough model, and I'm not gonna begrudge her an occasional spread in Complex or Maxim. If she wants to be the go-to pinup girl for the G4 set, who am I to complain. But in the past year she's started cropping up in shows that I actually watch and care about. . . Not okay.
Even going back to her AotS days, it was pretty clear that she lacked any serious comedic talent. The sketches largely consisted of her dressing up in skin-tight outfits and embarrassing herself, which you could maybe blame it on the writing. But still, her timing sucks and she has absolutely no sense for understatement or deadpan. So I would think that she would be the last person that anyone would hire to join the cast of the most important television program ever. I realize that she basically brought on to the Daily Show as an affirmative action hire after they [rightly] got called out for the show's dearth of female talent, but it hardly does any favors for the women's movement, or the legions of infinitely more talented female comedians who were passed over for that job, to cast a woman that seems like a second round reject from Last Comic Standing (for that matter what was Iliza Shlesinger doing?).
When you put her on a show with actual comedic talents like John Oliver and Samantha Bee, it just feels awkward, and, more importantly, it means I have to be subjected to crap like this. . .
I suppose I should be relieved that her NBC sitcom, "Perfect Couples" got cancelled, except that it was actually an otherwise pretty funny and entertaining show. Also, it's apparently freed her up so that she can get cast in Aaron Sorkin's new HBO show. It's like the Peter Principle of acting. How bad of an actress do you have to be for Hollywood agents to stop casting you in stuff you're clearly not qualified for? When is this shit gonna stop? Because I don't want to stop watching the shows I love, but I will. And I'm gonna be fucking pissed about it. So for the love of god Olivia, please stop, before someone gets hurt.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
This is the first entry in what we all know will soon be the best and most popular feature on this blog, Under Appreciated Music Video of the Week. Since it’s our first go, I thought I’d go with something nostalgic.
2) Ugly/Old people - 90s alternative videos must have been boom times for the elderly and hideous. I can only imagine how this must have played havoc with the casting directors that spent years building databases of beautiful people for soda commercials and Poison videos. Suddenly, grunge hits and they are being asked to cast a pool party of uglies.
3) Blinding White Light - I wish I had the ability to bend time and space so I could see the shady backroom deal that was struck between the record companies and the spotlight operators union local 581. Probably the cheapest, easiest, theater tech 101 effect you can bother throwing in, it can make the most bored looking band seem dramatic and intense.
4) Sad, lonely, overly made-up female - These womyn were all over the 90s, and they became the archetype for the early 00’s indie girl. I’m not sure why this particular one decided to enter a dance contest, but she did and she is definitely not meeting the man of her dreams there, despite ostensibly winning. I guess its back to bee girl costumes and too-sexy-for-you house parties.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
For the sake of full disclosure I should mention that I saw this insulting piece of cliched trash in theaters not once but twice, which is entirely my fault. Leading up to the movie, I guess you could say I bought into the hype. I thought it was going to be good, or at the very least, entertaining. So when a couple friends of mine showed up at my place of employment towards the end of my shift and mentioned that they were about to go see Avatar, I decided to tag along. By the time I realized we were going to see it in 2D, I was already at the theater, and, figuring it would be good enough to see twice, I bought my ticket anyway. HUGE mistake.
For the next 347 hours (approximate) I was subjected to some of the worst writing and dialogue ever compiled, without any fancy 3D effects to numb the pain. It was like going to the dentist without getting any nitrous oxide - fucking agony. (In case you're wondering, despite my vitriol for the script, I caved and went to see it again in 3D a couple weeks later to see what all the fuss was about. I'm not sorry I did.) Making matters worse was the fact that my friend - let's call her Claire - who was sitting right next to me, was gobbling this shit up. She was loving every minute of it, and she did not appreciate my overt disdain for having James Cameron's thinly veiled metaphorical fist repeatedly punching me in the head. Every time some blue tribal tiger elf said "I see you", I let out an exasperated sigh, which eventually led to this exchange:
Blue Tribal Tiger Elf 1 (onscreen): I see you, Chief Walking Cliche.
Blue Tribal Tiger Elf 2 (onscreen): And I see you, fellow cartoonish representation of virtue.
Claire (annoyed): Are you okay?
Me: Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired I guess.
Claire (still annoyed): Well keep it down.
|I hope I never "see" either of you again. Ha, "see" what I did there? Seriously though, I hope your entire stupid blue race is wiped out in the sequels.|
Had I been with someone who felt the same way I did about the film, perhaps we could have mocked it together, and it would not have been a complete waste of $12.50. But alas, that was not the case. Now to be fair, the dialogue was not the only thing that bothered me about Avatar. The fact that half of the graphics and vehicle designs were ripped off from Halo was annoying, though as my roommate has pointed out, James Cameron did kind of invent the concept of a space marine, so that's forgivable. Casting Michelle Rodriguez, however, for any film under any circumstances, is not. God she's awful.
She's nowhere near as bad as Sam Worthington though, who is inexplicably becoming a movie star despite his monotone delivery and inability to convey any kind of emotion whatsoever. I'm guessing he wasn't their first choice, but I have trouble believing they couldn't have found anyone better. At least Keanu Reeves would have provided some unintentional comedic relief.
And last, but certainly not least on the list of things that bothered me about this movie, is the crux of the entire conflict, the reason we invaded the home world of the giant eco-smurfs in the first place: Unobtainium. The name is stupid, but that isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that we are never told what it does. It's $20 million per kilo, and we're fighting what is an unquestionably costly and seemingly unpopular war on another fucking planet, but they can't take 30 seconds to tell us WHY? Does it cure cancer? Is it a clean, remarkably efficient source of fuel? Does it make your dick bigger?! Give me SOMETHING to work with here for fuck's sake. Any kind of gray area that at least gives humanity a motive for being such imperialistic jerks would have been nice. But no, that would have required the audience to think ever so slightly about the movie, and that would distract them from all dem purty pictures on the big ol' screen.
So that's my problem with Avatar. Did you enjoy the 3D experience in theaters? That's fine. I did too. Did you like the story and dialogue so much that you now own the DVD? Well, then the terrorists have already won. Avatar was James Cameron's way of saying "fuck you" to anyone with a three-digit IQ, and it would have been better had it not been a talkie. I hope I never, ever see it or any of it's upcoming sequels ever again.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Internet Alias: Emerson
Place of Origin: San Francisco
Relationship Status: Who's asking?
Nerd Archetype: Not the gay one. Seriously.
Sexual Partners: More than you, less than Dan.
Areas of Expertise: Magic: The Gathering, Song of Ice and Fire, Star Trek: Drinking Game, Death Metal, Black Metal, Manowar, Kale, Bacon, Short-shorts, Zombies
Drink(s) of Choice: Club soda
Primary Rage Triggers: Natalie Portman, Tracy Anderson, Truthers, Vegans, T. Colin Campbell, Dr. Oz
Biggest Nerd Accomplishment: Currently undefeated at the Star Trek Drinking Game
Greatest Shame: Being a Golden State Warriors fan since 1989.
Favorite Simpsons Episode: The one with Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo
Favorite Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode: All Good Things
Favorite Magic: The Gathering expansion: Ravnica: City of Guilds
Favorite Magic: The Gathering card: Disruptive Student
Mayhem or Burzum: Mayhem
Wrap or sandwich: My fat ass will take a salad
Robots or Spaceships: Spaceships!
Celebrity Look Alike Comparisons: John Mayer
Biggest Aspiration in Life: I desperately want to be an extra who gets torn apart in a zombie movie
What Would I Do For a Klondike Bar: Fuck Klondike bars, I want an Its-It.
You May Remember Me From Such Blogs As: Trying to Get Laid
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Age: Sadly legal
Origins: The Land of Enchantment
Areas of Expertise: Music, Movies, Star Wars (OG Trilogy only), Star Trek (TNG preferred), other things that Dan refers to as "art fag stuff"
Celebrity Look Alike Comparison: Dustin Hoffman in Rainman
Relationship Status: It's just me and Mary Jane over here
Favorite Simpsons Episode: "A Milhouse Divided"
Favorite Simpsons Season: Season 8
Favorite Member of The Pet Shop Boys: Neil. No, wait, Chris. No! Neal!
Archie or Jughead: You know, I'm gonna go with Mr. Weatherbee
Favorite song for drinkin': Free Ride
Favorite movie for sobbin': Finding Neverland
Favorite Wii Sport: Table Tennis
Favorite Actual Sport:
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Internet Alias: Lionel McClure
City of Origin: Philadelphia
Nerd Archetype: the fat one
Areas of Expertise: baseball, pomade, sammiches, The Simpsons
Drink(s) of Choice: tequila, bourbon, lukewarm Natural Light (age 16 version only)
Primary Rage Triggers: Dane Cook, Avatar, J.D. Drew, women, Good Charlotte
Hours of Sleep Per Week: 60-140
Sexual Partners: 7.5 (6 women, 2 midgets, 1 hobbit)
Cybersex Partners: 15,472
Favorite Simpsons Episode: "You Only Move Twice"
Favorite Simpsons Season: 8
Most Prestigious Job Ever Held: Bartender
Thoughts on Lionel Messi: muy sexy
Celebrity Look Alike Comparisons: Colin Farrell (thanks!), Adam Richman (go fuck yourself!)
What Would I Do For a Klondike Bar: God, ANYTHING
You May Remember Me From Such Blogs As: Roughing the Reader, The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
Favorite Commercials Ever: The Budweiser Lizards
Actor Whose Work I Cannot Resist: Sylvester Stallone
Greastest Movie Ever : please don't make me choose between True Romance and Rocky IV
Favorite Prince Song: probably the one I started every day with for 6 months
Current B.A.C: .109, give or take
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Hello, and welcome to Nerd Outrage. We are a group of individuals that are deeply concerned by the lack of opinions on the internet. There are too many facts out there, and we aim to do something about it. If something has been said, we plan to disagree with it.
So why "Nerd Outrage"? Well, for starters, it sounds funny. And we're all nerds in our own right, with plenty of things that piss us off. Formal introductions will come shortly, but we can assure you that many of the prerequisite nerd bases have been covered. We have a fat guy, a bald guy, an Asian guy, a tall guy that can't grow a beard, and a gay guy that wears a lot of flannel. Twenty percent of us have passed the bar. The same twenty percent is unemployed. Forty percent of us are Albuquerque Isotopes fans. Sixty percent of us have more experience with Magic: The Gathering than we care to admit. And at least one of us is a reigning VH1 game show champion. We all bring plenty to the table of angry dissent, and we look forward to sharing copious amounts of unsolicited viewpoints with you, our dear readers.
Our goal is simple: sell out as fast as possible. Do you have a book deal? We're interested. A TV show starring Bill Shatner? We're there, though we would have settled for Walter Koenig. Do you want us to plaster your logos onto all of our clothing, vehicles, pets and relatives? Done and done. Basically, we're looking to change the world, one recycled opinion at a time, and we wouldn't mind getting rich while we're at it. We hope you enjoy the process.
Ever so sincerely,
Dan, Emerson, Jimmy, Nick and Victor