Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You Can Stand Under My Umbrella, but I Can't Stand Under Yours, You Stupid Short Prick!

April showers bring May flowers? Not in NYC! (Probably because homeless people use the flower beds as urinals). In case you don’t live here, it’s been raining. A lot. I don’t usually like to bitch about the weather because, hey, I can’t do nothing about it. But I make an exception when it rains for days on end in New York City. Why? Because I am tall and New Yorkers are assholes.

Let me elaborate a bit. First of all, yes we are assholes. There is no denying this. New Yorkers walk down the street quickly, staring straight ahead and stopping for nothing. We walk with determination, with purpose, with no regard for anything but our destination. We do our best to ignore homeless people, red lights, and stupid fat mid-western tourists who ask for directions. There are also a lot of us. Literally millions walking down the street ignoring everything but our smart phones. Put an open umbrella in each New Yorkers hand while they march down the street during rush hour and you have a recipe for losing eyeballs.

“Now wait a minute, Emerson,” you might say. “I’ve been living in NYC for years and never had any issue with umbrellas or the people who use them.” No you probably haven’t, but you are also almost certainly short. The next time it rains (tomorrow) take a look at the umbrella clutching masses. Midgets all! Put an umbrella over their head and its metal spokes are level with my face. See the problem yet? I fucking hate umbrellas!

There are of course exceptions to the rule. Parasols are quite inoffensive, because, let’s be serious, who the fuck uses a parasol? That’s right no one. Really tall people who use umbrellas are also totally acceptable. Shaq can use an umbrella with no risk of injuring anyone, AND everyone who walks by him will enjoy a temporary respite from the rain. Everyone wins. It’s SCIENCE. That song by Rihanna, while kinda annoying, is also largely harmless. Except maybe if you are Chris Brown.

So let’s review. Umbrella’s suck. If you use one, you are a midget. If you are a midget, you should be making porno flicks, not walking around outside. If you are inside making pornography, I don’t have to worry about getting my eyes gouged out for the rest of the week. Unless you are Shaq. If you are Shaq, you are not a midget. If you are not a midget, then you can use umbrella’s risk free.


  1. that is one nasty finger wag shaq has there

  2. First of all, fuck you for being tall. You get no sympathy.

    Second of all, given all the women and Mexicans in this city, even someone who is several inches shorter than you are, like myself, has to deal with this problem.

    Third of all Nick, Shaq stole that from Mutombo.

  3. All the more reason you should sympathize! 99% of umbrellas aren't even well constructed and get destroyed by the slightest gust of wind. Invest in a rain coat people!

  4. Just get one of these: Will stand up to any wind and still take Emerson's eye out with ease.

  5. I don't know what is worse. Those $2 deli umbrellas that break after one use or rich people who have really BIG umbrellas with strong wooden handles. These people are much more pushy and aggressive than the midgets simply because of how much room they demand for themselves, and also with their much higher potential to gauge out eyeballs. FYI: People in Colorado do not use umbrellas. Seriously. I have not seen or used one since moving here years ago.

  6. Colorado has immediately been upgraded to the top of my must visit list.